Minutes from the First Condo Association Meeting after Bernard Murdered His Wife Helen in Unit 3C

Eric Rasmussen

 
 

Location

  • Unit 2A, Barb and Joanne’s living room (love the paint job, ladies!)

 

Attendance

  • Twenty-two people, which is everyone except Carlos (had an appointment at the VA), Stuart and Veera (already left for Arizona), Bernard (held without bail), and Helen (deceased)

 

Old Business

  • We approved the minutes from last meeting, with one objection. Leo INSISTS he didn’t fire the high school boy we had hired to weed the rock gardens, even though the kid pulled up all of Leo’s rose bushes (they looked like hell, which is probably why the young man was confused.) Leo claims he told the teen we might fire him if he wasn’t more careful. Aubrey moved that we take Leo’s word for it. Motion passed.

  • At September’s meeting we selected McConnell’s Steakhouse for the Christmas party, but apparently the owner made homophobic comments online, so now Barb and Joanne are boycotting. Regina (our president) moved that we vote on a new location. The motion passed, although Ned felt the need to add that “people have a right to their opinions.” With Bernard gone (he hated Italian food), Marchetti’s won unanimously. 


New Business

  • The decks on building one are due to be stained next spring, but Lois moved that the project be completed this fall—she’s hosting her extended family for Thanksgiving. Leo seconded, motion passed. Regina will call the painting company.

  • Ned asked when Bernard and Helen’s unit would be put on the market. Regina explained that the restoration company is having difficulty getting the blood stains out of the carpet. Ned suggested they just replace the carpet. Regina noted the expense and said Bernard and Helen’s estate will likely be tied up in probate, especially if he’s found mentally unfit to stand trial. Ned moved that the condo association cover the cost so we can “put the whole sorry chapter behind us.” Motion denied.

  • Lois requested that the group not speak of the murder for the remainder of the meeting. “Helen was one of my best friends,” she claimed, despite several well-documented instances of conflict (see: association minutes from last December—the Christmas decoration incident, and association minutes from two Junes ago—the Boy Scout popcorn incident).

  • Joanne moved that we add language to the by-laws that clarifies the association’s obligations for clean-up after a major crime. Lois reiterated that she doesn’t wish to discuss the murder. “I’m not referring to the murder,” said Joanne. “What if someone makes a mess cooking meth in their basement?” Ned added that all sorts of crimes can result in property damage—child abuse, animal abuse, assault, etc. Motion passed. Regina will speak to our lawyer about updating the association’s charter.

  • John tried to change the subject by moving to solicit bids for a new garbage hauler. After his hip replacement he can’t push his dumpster all the way out to the street anymore. Lois seconded. Motion denied.

  • After Lois excused herself to the bathroom, Leo asked if anyone knew what actually happened between Bernard and Helen. Regina answered (transcribed as best as I could): “He just snapped. He claimed she was planning to leave him, so he bludgeoned her to death with a wine bottle. She was sleeping. The coroner’s report said he hit her at least a dozen times, and her injuries indicate she woke up and tried to defend herself. After she was gone, he attempted to suffocate himself with a plastic bag, but he couldn’t get it tight enough. Helen’s sister stopped by a couple hours later to find Helen’s corpse and Bernard unconscious but alive.”

  • After a few moments of silence, everyone agreed (without a formal vote) that the details of the murder were awful, just awful, and that no one ever would have guessed that Bernard would be capable of such a thing.

  • When Lois returned, everyone stopped talking, which made it obvious we had been discussing the murder. “Shame on you,” she said. “Have a little respect.”

  • Ned stood up. “It was horrific, Lois. We all think so. But the world doesn’t stop turning.” He motioned that we form a committee to explore our privacy options; every time the news outlets report on the crime, they mention “Whispering Maple Condominiums” and include pictures or footage of our modest four-building development. Property values will undoubtedly suffer.

  • At this, Carl, who rarely says anything, started to cry. “Helen was a real person. She sat with us at these meetings. I talked to her last week. She wanted to take an autumn leaves bus tour next weekend, but they’d already made arrangements to visit her nephew in Rockford. Imagine what she saw at the end. Imagine what she felt.” Carl stood without his walker on shaky legs. “A human life is more valuable than carpet. Or property values. Can’t we agree on that?”

  • Then it was Regina’s turn (again, transcribed to the best of my ability—she talks so fast): “What is the measure of human value, if not the cost of the materials one consumes, one leaves behind? Perhaps to loved ones you matter, but to the rest, your legacy is a data point of economics, politics. History.”

  • “That doesn’t help,” said Carl. Lois seconded.

  • Regina continued. “Take comfort. Our endings will all be horrible. Drifting away peacefully in one’s sleep is a myth. But however many times the bottle must fall to deliver us to our conclusions, it won’t be long. The bliss of forgetting will arrive eventually. Heaven is the great sweep of anonymity, waiting to welcome us all.”

  • Carl sat back down. Joanne excused herself to refill the pretzel basket. Leo explained that his rose bushes had looked sickly because of a soil problem, not because he neglected them. Ned moved that we adjourn, but no one seconded. After a few more pretzels, people started to leave anyway. By the time I suggested we all take an autumn leaves bus tour in Helen’s memory, we had lost our quorum.

  • Next meeting, November 5th.

 
 
 

Eric Rasmussen is a western Wisconsin writer serving as fiction editor for Sundog Lit, as well as editor of the upper Midwest literary journal Barstow & Grand. He has published short fiction in Third Coast (2022 Fiction Contest finalist), North American Review (2022 Kurt Vonnegut Prize runner-up), Blue Mesa Review (2022 Fiction Contest winner), Fugue, and Pithead Chapel, among others. Find him online at theotherericrasmussen.com.