Out of order

Fiona Jin

The model-minority myth exists alongside [the Asian fetishist’s idea that] white women… [have] become too feminist. By contrast, Asian women are seen as naturally inclined to serve men sexually and are also thought of as slim, light-skinned and small, in adherence to Western norms of femininity. —Audrea Lim

I am American in how I eat dessert for breakfast:
Strawberry jam leaks out of my forearms.
High-fructose corn syrup, Red 40, Cane sugar.
I’ve seen sugarcanes sickled open on Shaoxing streets.
Bàba’s fist-banging yell: Nothing in your country is free.
Eating is disgusting. I do it like we never stopped starving.
As if starvation can be weaned off like tap water—
A clear stream gyrating, thinning, into nothing.
The people with American accents talk at me like
I don’t know English. I know what’s allowed.
I’m the black mold lining their sink pipes.
They ask me for my nakedness and are allowed shame
But I’m not. I’m soft, warm when their fingers prod me.
Because I’m defective in all the right ways.
They memorize my serial number but not my name.
A new, cheap factory item. A planned obsolescence.
I gave myself a bathroom abortion when I was 10 and
A virgin. What does that mean, anyways?
I was so afraid of my body outgrowing me. Then,
I wanted to own dirtiness if only to own something.
Even the stench of myself wasn’t enough
To protect me. My mailbox pried open
For the invoices itemizing the labor I owe. 
But still, I love her. Aren’t I an overachiever?
I’m giving myself the allowance of tenderness.
Everything is paid for with immigrant blood.

Fiona Jin is from the Midwest. A YoungArts Winner with Distinction in Poetry, Chicago Youth Poet Laureate finalist, and Best of the Net nominee, her recent writing is published or forthcoming in Foglifter, wildness, The Shore, and Half Mystic Journal. Currently, she serves as Co-President of Young Poets Workshops, an editor for Sine Theta Magazine, and a reader for The Yale Review.